I have lots of wonderful things to write about: an ordination in the half-finished cathedral, my work with the choirs, visiting the bastis (slum villages), and living in the hostel with 35 children from 6-17.
But what I really need to share is my mission as a Christian here. I answered a call to 'be', not 'do.' I know about the doing part, but I'm walking in fog about the other. My call is NOT to be a music teacher, although I spend a significant part of my time doing that, and I know the children are widening their exposure to Western music and are happy about doing so. I'm also my usual ebullient self, finding joy, delight and surprise as I go about my daily life. I wave to everyone I see, and they're starting to wave back, though that is not customary in India. It's much too overt.
I see a number of the staff and others with a profound faith and a different way of thinking about God. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I hear it in sermons, prayers and even in the snail's pace the hymns go, where I can meditate on every word.
They have a different relationship with God. They seem closer to Him than I do and I want what they have. I don't read the Bible every day or set aside time to meditate or pray. I pray for people as they tell me their stories, but I don't remember to pray again for them as a conscious decision. If I do all these things, am I still just 'doing?' Will I receive the grace I long for by reading John or saying Compline? I feel as though I'm a surface Christian. It's all about ME.
Maybe what I really need to do is surrender to the fog. Maybe that's where God waits to hold my hand and walk with me to the next place.
But what I really need to share is my mission as a Christian here. I answered a call to 'be', not 'do.' I know about the doing part, but I'm walking in fog about the other. My call is NOT to be a music teacher, although I spend a significant part of my time doing that, and I know the children are widening their exposure to Western music and are happy about doing so. I'm also my usual ebullient self, finding joy, delight and surprise as I go about my daily life. I wave to everyone I see, and they're starting to wave back, though that is not customary in India. It's much too overt.
I see a number of the staff and others with a profound faith and a different way of thinking about God. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I hear it in sermons, prayers and even in the snail's pace the hymns go, where I can meditate on every word.
They have a different relationship with God. They seem closer to Him than I do and I want what they have. I don't read the Bible every day or set aside time to meditate or pray. I pray for people as they tell me their stories, but I don't remember to pray again for them as a conscious decision. If I do all these things, am I still just 'doing?' Will I receive the grace I long for by reading John or saying Compline? I feel as though I'm a surface Christian. It's all about ME.
Maybe what I really need to do is surrender to the fog. Maybe that's where God waits to hold my hand and walk with me to the next place.
Hey Lynn,
ReplyDeleteI am enjoying reading about your adventures in India! I would like to send you a Christmas card. Could you e-mail me your address in India. My e-mail is amber.okray@gmail.com.
Thanks!
Amber
hey lynn, i stand in awe. you were always a dynamo of energy for the muse. laura
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